Letters to Lauren

In April, 2019, I discovered one of my friends, somebody I had lost touch with but once considered my very best friend, had passed away.

She hadn't just "passed away". It wasn't some sort of crazy illness, or tragic accident. She was killed a the hand of another. Somebody she loved with all her heart. A love so pure, that in my heart, I know she isn't even angry at him.

Lauren was just like that. She saw the good in everybody. We had so many silly moments, happy moments, lovely moments, but the most valuable part of our friendship was that Lauren genuinely cared for me, something hard to find now. She cared for me so purely, without envy or selfishness.

I would like to write a few words to Lauren.

"Lauren,

I'm so sorry we lost touch. I know you aren't mad, and I know you would still always help me and be there for me. Sometimes life just happens. I just wish I got some more of that Lauren sunshine in my life.

Adulthood has kind of smacked me in the face the rear half of this year. You died, I faced the scary reality that I'm living paycheck to paycheck with the possibility of redundancy, I got pregnant, I lost my baby, I had surgery to have my tube removed... I often get nostalgic and wish I could go back. Relive life without the pressure, anxiety... and just really enjoy it this time. Maybe I grew up too quickly. Moved out too young. Reality is - I had to grow up quickly. I had to move out. My Dad and his drug addiction was killing me, mentally. I just wish things were different.

I'm sorry he did this to you. I feel like maybe you aren't angry at him. I know your love for him was so pure, so obsessive, so genuine. But you should be angry. If not for what he did to you, then for what he did to your family. They are so broken. Your funeral was the craziest day. Me and J both said at the exact same moment, walking up the hill to the crematorium that we felt like we were in Pretty Little Liars. I don't know if it was the sound of our heels clicking the ground at the same time, the fact we had tried to at least look half decent, or the fact that for the first time in a long time we both felt like we were part of a "girl gang" but we did. Maybe it was the fact it didn't feel like real life - but more like we should have been watching this happen on the news.

But the reality is - it was completely real. And I wish it wasn't.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I wish I could have saved you.... Please look after my baby, until I can. Her middle name was going to be Lauren, in the hope she turned out half as wonderful as you. And now you are in the same place. Ironic - isn't it.

As Alison would say - your death is not gruesome. It's immortality, my darling.

Lola

x"

My Ectopic Story

My Ectopic Pregnancy Story

Hi,

Today I wanted to share with you, my Ectopic Pregnancy story. I'm sure nobody will even read this, but it's too much to really speak about, so I suppose I am writing this as a coping technique. 

So,

It all started with a positive test. Myself and my partner had been casually "trying but not really trying" or "waiting to see what happens" in regards to pregnancy. Although we are both young, we're in a pretty good situation to start a family. We both have great jobs, a lovely home and have done majority of things we want to do. We have no desire to travel, explore or go out drinking. All we have both ever wanted is a family.

A long 9 months passed, a worryingly long amount of time for somebody in their 20's with no medical issues, I almost began to worry we couldn't have children. October came and I got my period as usual. Around a week later, I was about to get in the bath and couldn't help but see the pregnancy test in one of my bathroom drawers. I don't know why, but something came over me and I decided to take the test.

I waited, with a feeling of knowing it was going to be negative, all too familiar with the test showing just one line. I watched the liquid move up the test and instantly saw a pink line, where there was normally an empty space. A second line appeared. I wasn't sure if it was just ink running, so I left the test for a minute or two before looking again. TWO LINES.

In a panic, I sent a photo to my group chat of best friends, like what the hell is this?! They all began freaking out, sending messages of congratulations and saying how much I deserved this. 

I'd always planned a cute "you're going to be a Dad!" reveal to my partner, but in the moment I was too shocked and confused to do anything. I just shouted his name down the stairs and passed him the test. He rushed out and bought two more. While he was out I sat in disbelief with my dogs, just confused and shocked. They nuzzled up to me as if they knew.

My partner arrived back home and we took the other 2 tests, sure enough, they were positive. Things got even crazier. My friend, who was in the chat I mentioned earlier had also literally just started trying for a baby that month. She did a test too. We found out on the same day. All of us were in complete disbelief and shock.

The next couple of weeks were blissful. I carried around my beautiful little baby, quietly and happily. I stopped hating my body. I stopped hating my tummy, because there was a little baby in there. I stopped feeling insecure and like I had no purpose - because I did have a purpose now. I spent weeks getting excited with my best friend, about how our babies were going to grow up together and how perfect everything was. I spent hours researching pushchairs, car seats, clothes....

Until I woke up to bleeding. Everybody told me it was normal, and I had my first midwife appointment the following day. It was only spotting. Everybody said it was normal. Even my midwife was convinced it was nothing. I didn't have any pain and it was intermittent, super light spotting. She booked me an EPU appointment anyway.

I spent the next few days both terrified, but also excited at the idea of maybe seeing my baby for the first time. Everybody was so convinced it was okay, I started to believe it too. I wasn't even that nervous the morning of my EPU appointment, I was just excited.

I got called in to speak to a midwife, who once again insisted everything was "probably fine" before I went through to the ultrasound room. I was lying flat on my back, my partner sat in the chair. I couldn't see the screen, but he could. The sonographer advised she would "tell me as much as she could, as soon as she could." 

I saw my partners face drop as he looked at the screen. The sonographer stayed silent. I remember thinking to myself this was it. Maybe I had made the whole thing up and I just got a false positive.

She told me they were going to need to do an internal scan, I figured maybe I just wasn't as far along as I thought I was. My periods were all over the place, so maybe I just ovulated late? My partner left the room as the sonographer carried out the internal exam. Once again, she took a long time and was silent. I remember feeling stripped of my dignity and pride, just desperate to know everything was ok. After quite some time, she finished the exam. 

"It's not good news I'm afraid..." she began. I saw her eyes welling up with tears and I'm pretty sure mine were too. "There's nothing in the womb... but it looks like it could be in one of your tubes.... I'll give you a minute." 

She left the room as I got dressed quickly, tears spilling out of my eyes as I tried not to cry. She caleld my partner in and asked if I wanted her to explain. I just silently nodded., watching his face drop as she told him the news. He immediately burst into tears. He was so convinced everything was okay, even more so than me, this was such a shock to him. The sonographer left the room. I could hear her crying as she left. Myself and my other half just fell into each other, crying, wailing in fact. Our baby, our baby was gone. 

The midwife came and got me, she told me the options and said I had to wait for the Doctor to come and see me. We were put in a tiny cramped waiting room, with a mixture of people nervously waiting, some sniffling like us, some happy people and some with children. There was one lady who had bought a couple with her, probably in their 60's who insisted on talking absolute S*** so loudly. I could have knocked them out, honestly.

Several hours later, I just broke, I don't even remember what happened, I just know I ended up in the corridor crying as my boyfriend tried to calm me down. The ward manager decided to put us in a room, I planted myself in the armchair and just cried.

I had 2 male Gynecologists come and do exams on me. Once again, I felt so stripped of my dignity. I went back to being ashamed of my body. They sent me for blood tests. The lady taking my blood was so kind, she asked if I was okay and I just burst into tears. I never cry. Especially in front of people. I just felt so embarrassed and broken. In the end, the Gynecologists decided to send me home. I would have more tests in 2 days, before they would decide if I had the injection to terminate the pregnancy. 

Wednesday came and I went in for more bloods. A flying visit where I went straight to work afterwards. It was so hard to keep my composure, I ended up telling my boss what was going on. I couldn't help but feel angry, as her first words were "well you're quite young to have children"... Does that mean I deserve this then? Is that how you justify this?

Thursday evening I was scheduled to go in to the hospital to discuss treatment options. But by 1pm I was in agony. I mean agony. My stomach and pelvis hurt so much. I felt like I needed to wee so badly but I just couldn't. I ended up calling my other half to come and get me from work. I went back to the ward and they decided to get me examined. 

Everyone told me I was fine. All of the junior doctors, all the nurses. Everyone. Until Ann, a wonderful Gynecologist came in and put it rather bluntly - "I need to operate on you before you die of internal bleeding. I promise I will try and save your tube, but I suspect it has already burst." 

And that was it. Within an hour I was being wheeled down to theatre. The Anesthetics team were truely wonderful. I was so upset and sad and I don't think I would have gotten through it without them making me smile. What a wonderful bunch of people.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up, gasping for breath. My tummy hurt so much I could barely breathe, it hurting more and more each time. I remember scrambling to pull my oxygen mask off and a nurse pushing it back down onto my face. She spoke to me calmly, re-assuring me I was okay. I slowly started to come around as they pumped me full of painkillers.

I ended up back on the ward. The nurses were sweet and kind. The ward was so small, there were only 2 nurses and one HCA on shift. The nurse who looked after me was called Elizabeth. I had to have observations every 30 minutes so I barely slept, but she was kind and gentle with me when I was so broken. Ann came and spoke to me, explaining I had lost a lot of blood and she operated just in time, but couldn't save my tube. My baby was 5cm. Bigger than they thought. 

The next morning I discharged myself, unable to bring myself to sit on a ward, surrounded by pregnant women. My other half struggled, and still is struggling with coming to terms with things. We both are. 

He went to Church yesterday, and lit a candle for our baby. I know he is so broken, but so am I. I just don't know how to fix this. It's so strange. I am grieving, I have experienced loss, but there is no funeral. It is a loss that doesn't carry meaning for anybody but me and my partner. It's so strange.

It hurts to feel so bitter, towards my friend, who got pregnant on the first try, already has a healthy child and is now having a healthy pregnancy. Of course, I wouldn't wish this upon anybody else, but at the same time, why me? Now I have to watch her child come into the world, thinking "but that should be me".

And the truth is, nobody can explain why this happened. Nobody can justify it. There is no silver lining to this cloud. It feels like this storm is never going to end. 

I just have to remind myself - it can't rain forever.

Thanks for reading, 

Lola

x