Letters to Lauren

In April, 2019, I discovered one of my friends, somebody I had lost touch with but once considered my very best friend, had passed away.

She hadn't just "passed away". It wasn't some sort of crazy illness, or tragic accident. She was killed a the hand of another. Somebody she loved with all her heart. A love so pure, that in my heart, I know she isn't even angry at him.

Lauren was just like that. She saw the good in everybody. We had so many silly moments, happy moments, lovely moments, but the most valuable part of our friendship was that Lauren genuinely cared for me, something hard to find now. She cared for me so purely, without envy or selfishness.

I would like to write a few words to Lauren.

"Lauren,

I'm so sorry we lost touch. I know you aren't mad, and I know you would still always help me and be there for me. Sometimes life just happens. I just wish I got some more of that Lauren sunshine in my life.

Adulthood has kind of smacked me in the face the rear half of this year. You died, I faced the scary reality that I'm living paycheck to paycheck with the possibility of redundancy, I got pregnant, I lost my baby, I had surgery to have my tube removed... I often get nostalgic and wish I could go back. Relive life without the pressure, anxiety... and just really enjoy it this time. Maybe I grew up too quickly. Moved out too young. Reality is - I had to grow up quickly. I had to move out. My Dad and his drug addiction was killing me, mentally. I just wish things were different.

I'm sorry he did this to you. I feel like maybe you aren't angry at him. I know your love for him was so pure, so obsessive, so genuine. But you should be angry. If not for what he did to you, then for what he did to your family. They are so broken. Your funeral was the craziest day. Me and J both said at the exact same moment, walking up the hill to the crematorium that we felt like we were in Pretty Little Liars. I don't know if it was the sound of our heels clicking the ground at the same time, the fact we had tried to at least look half decent, or the fact that for the first time in a long time we both felt like we were part of a "girl gang" but we did. Maybe it was the fact it didn't feel like real life - but more like we should have been watching this happen on the news.

But the reality is - it was completely real. And I wish it wasn't.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I wish I could have saved you.... Please look after my baby, until I can. Her middle name was going to be Lauren, in the hope she turned out half as wonderful as you. And now you are in the same place. Ironic - isn't it.

As Alison would say - your death is not gruesome. It's immortality, my darling.

Lola

x"